How Much Choice Do We Give Our Kids?

Heather Mock, Director of K-8
Hello Everyone,
I hope you are having a lovely and relaxing summer.  Last night, my family went to a celebratory dinner after being off on different adventures.  We each shared our highlights of the summer thus far.  I loved hearing about my son’s experiences at camp in Michigan and my daughter’s time on stage with teachers who had performed on Broadway.  I feel so lucky that they have had such rich experiences this summer.

When I talked to my daughter about my desire for her to follow her brother to camp next summer (there is a sister camp right next door), she groaned and said that camp was just “not her thing.”  Luckily, we have some time to think about it before we decide what to do, but it made me think about that balance that parents need to find between letting our children choose their own path and forcing certain experiences upon them. 
Hello Everyone,
I hope you are having a lovely and relaxing summer.  Last night, my family went to a celebratory dinner after being off on different adventures.  We each shared our highlights of the summer thus far.  I loved hearing about my son’s experiences at camp in Michigan and my daughter’s time on stage with teachers who had performed on Broadway.  I feel so lucky that they have had such rich experiences this summer.

When I talked to my daughter about my desire for her to follow her brother to camp next summer (there is a sister camp right next door), she groaned and said that camp was just “not her thing.”  Luckily, we have some time to think about it before we decide what to do, but it made me think about that balance that parents need to find between letting our children choose their own path and forcing certain experiences upon them.  I find it helpful in times like this to take a step back.  Why do I think it’s so important for my daughter to go to this camp?  What do I think she will get out of it?  Could she get the same thing out of another experience?  All of these are important things to consider before taking a stand on what I want her to do.

There is no question that I believe strongly in the value of my children having experiences away from home and, more specifically, away from me.  The growth I’ve seen in my son in the two summers he’s been away is exponential, and I just don’t think he would have experienced this same growth if I were around, watching his every move.  But he went willingly, even excitedly, that first summer.  So for my daughter, do I say she just has to at least try it one summer, knowing that she’ll likely end up loving it (or at least learning a lot from it)?  Or do I really think about what I hope her to get out of it and think about alternative options? 

A friend of mine with younger kids is taking a Love and Logic class and has had great results thus far.  They talk a lot about providing choice for our kids.  But here is the key: provide only two choices, either of which you’d be happy about.  So when you are trying to get your son to go to bed, it doesn’t make sense to ask, “Are you ready for bed?” because it’s clearly not going to be okay for your son to say, “No, not tonight.  I’d like to pull an all-nighter”!  Instead, we should ask, “Do you want to go to bed now or in ten minutes?” or something along those lines. 

This is great to remember even for these larger decisions.  I desperately want to make sure my children learn independence, resilience, and accountability.  But I also want them to have fun and to be able to engage in the things that interest them most.  The theater intensive that my daughter participated in this summer wasn’t a sleep-away camp, but she was there all day every day, sometimes until nine or ten at night, and she loved every second of it.

I read an article recently that talks about the importance of curiosity and the link between curiosity and intelligence.  In fact, a study in 2002 showed that three-year-olds who demonstrated high levels of curiosity were later found to have IQ scores twelve points higher than children who were not deemed to be highly curious. 

We’ve talked a lot about this at Dawson lately.  Of course, we know there are certain content areas that students may not find exciting, yet they still need to learn them.  Or do they?  What do they really need to learn in order to be successful in college and, more importantly, in life?  These are questions we are exploring as we implement our mission and vision each day.  We want to prepare our students to take the world by storm, and so we constantly work together to figure out how best to accomplish this.

There is no question, though, that the more interested and engaged a student is, the more she remembers what she is learning.  So piquing curiosity is key in helping cement understanding and in encouraging students to pursue knowledge in depth.

So how do I apply all of this to my daughter’s situation?  If I force her to go away to one camp, will she completely shut down and not learn anything, or will she discover things about herself that she could only discover there and thank me forever for making that decision?  My guess is, the answer lies somewhere in the middle.  But it does make me think about how she and I might be able to work together to find an option that will meet both of our needs: I’d like her to experience being away from home while she’d like to do what she loves.  Hello, theater camp!  This doesn’t have all of the aspects that I love about my choice (I like the outdoorsiness and the single-gender aspect, for instance), but she’ll likely still learn the independence and resilience I mentioned earlier.  What am I willing to give up when considering the bigger picture?  This is something I ask teachers all the time – what content can we give up in order to go deeper and create more authentic, engaging experiences for our kids?  It’s an important question, and we should all be asking it.

I’m not sure where I’ll land on all this – I promise to update you next winter when we have to decide.  But my guess is I’ll err on the side of providing some choice – I just have to make sure I can live with either outcome!

Take care,
Heather

If you’d like to read the article I referenced, here is a link:
http://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/cracking-the-code-on-curiosity/?utm_source=newsletter_071915&utm_medium=email&utm_content=topstory&utm_campaign=Emotional_Smarts
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